Speaking Up & Letting Go

About a month or so ago, the stars perfectly aligned themselves in my favor. It's such a magical experience when that happens but there is also a source of very powerful energy that comes along with that "alignment" which can often leave us feeling either extra charged or overly drained.

I won't get into the personal details because they really aren't the point of this blog but I will say that at the age of thirteen someone (who should have known better)with selfish intentions, assisted in creating an ugly divide between my family.This hurt has been a fairly constant source of insecurity,disconnect and distrust for the last twenty-one years.This came at a time when(as we can all attest)life was strange and complicated enough without extra disruption.Anyway...I still deal with the ramifications concerning one half of the party but in regard to the other half, it's been a festering wound that,even with years of inattention, never really had a chance to heal.And that was because I had something to say...something to let go of...but had been suppressing my voice all these years.

For all of this time I'd been thinking of all the things I'd say ( or do!) to this person, if I ever had the chance to meet them (because although this person had such in influence during my formative years,I'd never actually met them in person.)I'd seen one photograph....briefly....maybe eighteen years ago.I knew a name and had a foggy memory of a face...and that was it.

So....a couple of months ago, I was at the bank and as I stood in line, I had this overwhelming feeling that "this person" was right next to me. You can ask me how I knew but I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. It was just a feeling..or more than a feeling really. My heart began to race and my body filled with adrenaline.Maybe this was my chance to say what I needed to say...maybe I could finally close that chapter!Still...I didn't know if the timing would work....would I have to run after her?(because I didn't want to do that.)Or...would it happen organically...would it unfold in a perfectly natural way(because that's what I hoped for.)

It did.

We left the building simultaneously. She even held the door open for me. I thanked her and let her know that she seemed familiar to me...and what was her name? Yep.....confirmed. I then asked her if I looked familiar to her as well.

That's when I dropped the bomb. It was poetic and it felt amazing.I wasn't unkind but I was honest, direct and unapologetic. Yet.....somehow a small part of me felt bad for her. I felt bad that she may not be the person she used to be and maybe didn't deserve this "bomb"....maybe too much time had gone by. I let a little bit of that negativity and unsureness creep back in. Damn it.

I've since let that go. I'm ok with it. I was obviously given this very precious moment and opportunity to use my voice to help myself heal.This person had escaped me for all these years as it was.....and honestly...she was lucky to have met me at this point in my life...not during my earlier angst-filled years with a boiling point that was harder to keep in check.

I realize that this particular blog is very "coded" but I hope that what you,as a reader,might take from this...if anything...is that if you have a "beef" with someone,it's perfectly OK to say what's on your mind....even if "they" might think you're a Bitch in doing so....IF:

A.You are honest.
B.You are not intentionally hurtful.
C.You are passionate and believe in what you are about to say and are able to defend your point of view if needed.
D.You are willing to deal with any consequences that may arise from speaking your mind.

It's emotionally and physically freeing to stop holding on to the negative. This is something most of us already know but need ( or atleast I do) constant reminding of. We,literally, store that energy throughout our body which,in turn,DOES manifest into physical ailments and mental blockages.I like to think of the positive and negative energy that we give to and receive from others as a sort of weight(we can feel heavier or lighter when it increases or decreases.)I also think of it in terms of being specific to the giver and/or taker.For instance, say a friend is overly ruthless or cruel to you for no apparent reason, I believe her "energy scale" may be tipped or unbalanced(overly weighted with negative energy.)That excess of negative energy may have been "given" to them by someone else or it may have been self created. Either way...they needed to rid themselves of it and you may have been the unlucky person to step into what they dropped that day.I believe in Psych terms, this is called "displaced" anger and she really should have dealt with what or who originally created that inbalance instead of unloading on you.Back to being specific,you were not the one deserving of your friend's frustration but now you (unless you have a really great system of blocking other's negative energy)are carrying a tiny bit of her load. Be direct and let your friend know that you didn't deserve that negative energy (remember that old request:"take it back!")or find a healthy way to release and let it go.

I think it's important that whenever we can, we should openly give that energy back to the original giver (if there ever was one)because they have been operating on a deficit ever since the moment they gave it to you. The energy that you give back doesn't have to be negative...it could just be direct and honest. Heck...you could even see what happens if you,instead, blast them with a good dose of straight up positive energy.I realize that all of this could be looked at several ways and, if one's not choosy in picking their battles,could really create a domino effect of finger pointing,blaming and boo-hooing but I'm not talking about the little stuff...I'm talking about the really important stuff.Speaking up and taking action on the stuff that REALLY matters.The stuff that throws you off your axis and really out of your natural balance.And remember,once you've finally let go of that negative thing, be sure to fatten yourself up with loads and loads of positive and spread it around like a bad cold!

My final point is...simply...that if you have something important to say to someone....and if you are lucky, or fortunate, or blessed enough to have the stars align for you like I did that day, take that as a sign and follow your heart. DON'T keep it inside! Gather up your courage...speak your mind.

Let it go.